Friend: a silent disco with a view and 43 thoughts you will have up there

For my friend Siobhan's birthday last year, we took her to Kew Little Pigs and I had a bit of a revelation. Google "buy a micro pig" (totally haven't done that a 148 times before according to my browser history) and you'll probably see something like the following array of adorable piglets: 

Adorable

ADORABLE

ADORABLE!!!

The man holding the piglet to his nose like a new born baby/ a Big Mac is a bit weird, but you get the gist. Tiny tiny adorable piglets. Yes. Of course google imaging micro pigs, also brings up pictures of fools who have accidentally bought a humongous standard pig instead of the micro version, and now have their whole sofa taken up by a farting mammal growing fatter by the day (not their boyfriend or husband.) But as it turns out, they are not the fools, the person who coined the term "micro pigs" for this specimen are:

  

No wonder the man in the diagram looks perplexed. There is nothing micro about a pig as tall and fatter than a labrador. The piglets we visited last year for Siobhan's bday were not labrador sized, but they certainly were not quite the pig in my pocket I had hoped for, and basically the day was less us playing around putting piglets in tiny wellies, or teacups and just more taking Shiv back to the day when she was a "young farmer" (apparently that is a thing). Turns out micro pigs are not micro, and maybe I shouldn't buy one for my one bedroom London flat with no garden.

So this year Lucy and I wanted to get her something less weird, that wouldn't result in people posting comments on our facebook pages asking if we had slaughtered a pig. (For the record we hadn't. He has just closed his eyes because he was enjoying the bliss of having his hair stroked, so there.)

So we took her to the silent disco at Altitude. We'd originally hoped to go to the Silent disco at the View from the Shard, but  we were slow coaches deciding dates and then it all sold out. Sad face. (However it is now available again, as they've added more dates - go here).  Alititude is basically a poor man's Shard silent disco - £14.50 per person (with Time Out's offer here) instead of £37.50 for the silent disco at the Shard. However, with the £23 we'd saved per person to be only 29 floors up instead of 69, we had enough for 2 bottles of prosecco, 6 tequila shots, 3 pints of beer and an uber both ways. Excellent. And so Shiv's birthday present once again resulted in me having a revelation. Well I say revelation, but really it is something I probably learnt when I shotted tequila at my friend Beth's birthday in 2011 and ended up being sick out of my mouth and my nose. Predrinks of rum and coke + 2 bottles of prosecco + 6 tequila shots +3 pints divided by 3 girls = 2 people being sick the next day and 1 bout of hungover cystitis and 3 girls spending their Saturdays in bed. But it was bloody worth it.

I was going to try and describe the bar and venue, but it was getting boring, so I have "summarised" my 43 most notable thoughts of the night, which you would definitely have if you went to the Silent Disco at Altitude. Definitely the exact same ones. And I've added some pictures. 

1. Oooo this is is lovely being in this part of town at night. Look at Big Ben! And the London Eye. Oh gawsh I live in such a wonderful city. Why don't I come to proper central London more often?

2. Is it here? In this weird 80s office block? I can not imagine people walking in here without a briefcase and a "car phone" and it being 1986.

3. This is swish. Well not the Shard swish, but y'know, that security guard properly thoroughly checked my handbag, that's how you know you are in a nice place. (Or I guess it could be a very un-nice place where drug use was frequent and they had to check thoroughly, but I think this one is the first kind).

4. Shit floor 29. I hope this lift does not get stuck. When did I last go to the loo?

5. Probs shouldn't have bought my friend who is scared of lifts, basically a trip up a long lift for her bday. (Ok so you are unlikely to have that specific thought).

6. It's only 10pm now now? I can't dance til 2am in a silent disco if it is only 10, I am not 21 anymore. 4 hours of dancing is too long on my feet...even though I am wearing flats...let's go to the bar first

7. This bar is eerily empty (Skyloft, the bar under Altitude is only really used for special events, it is not the kind of place you would casually go to on a Tuesday for pornstar martinis, but that does mean you get a seat by the window so that is nice)

8. Prosecco is £30 you say? That is not that bad, we can treat ourselves to 1 bottle

9. Oooooo view

10. Let's instagram this shizzle

11. Aaarg either I use flash and my friends are lit up people in front of some window which is reflecting me taking a photo, or I don't use it and my friends could be anyone or anything, just some dark blur in front of a beautiful view of a London skyline

12. Damn you instagram and your square photo format! Now I have to choose whether I want to have Big Ben or the Shard in my photo!

13. Prosecco is £30 you say? A second bottle please

14. Oh my goodness it is midnight?? But we only just got here! Better go to the night we actually paid for and stop just drinking prosecco in this bar

If you squint you can just see Westminster and Big Ben in the middle, and the London eye behind Lucy's head. Expert photo taker.

15. It is very sweaty and steamy in here, so you can't see the view

16. But I don't care because they are playing Man in the Mirror

17. Hey! Listen to the red channel too, they are playing Man in the Mirror

18. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the....chaaaaange. Nananaaaa nananaaaa na na na na naa.

19. Yes tequila shots! Great plan!

20. This is so good that these headphones light up so I know that we are both listening to the same thing, why do not all silent discos have this? (This really is a great pro. Really. I think I have previously underestimated how much fun gets sucked out of a silent disco by all the energy spent trying to act out that you are listening to Amy Winehouse's version of Valerie and they should switch over)

21. I need a beer to wet my whistle after that tequila shot, otherwise I am worried I will be sick.

22. This is weird they are playing Pure Imagination from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, but I like it. I want to dance like I am in a ballet.

23. Peculiar that ballet dancing feels more acceptable in a silent disco, where only 1/3 of the people are listening to the same song as you, so you probably look even more odd than if you were ballet dancing in a club

24. Tequila shots again? Really?

25. This floor is very slippy

26. Oh crap my friend is very drunk

27. Oh crap my friend has slipped and fallen on the floor

28. Oh crap I am on the floor

29. Let's instagram this shizzle! We will get so many likes tomorrow when people have seen we have fallen on the floor!! In light up headphones!!

On da floor.

30. Blink 182!! SAY IT AIN'T SO I WILL NOT GO TURN THE LIGHTS OFF CARRY ME HOME

31. NANANANANANA NA NA NA NA NANANANANANA NA NA NA NA. Music was so much better in 1999, what has happened to the pop rock genre now huh?

32. Is Justin Bieber technically under the umbrella of pop-rock? Is Justin Bieber the new Blink 182? 

33. No.

34. It is 1:30am you say? Let's book an uber, I can't be in here when the lights turn on, I am sweating like a pig on pig tablets. 

35. Hello McDonalds

36. Feck it. I am going to have a hamburger and chicken nuggets and mozzarella dippers #bignight

37. Do I really think in #s now? Oh I am a sheep of social media

38. How do they make this hamburger sauce so incredible - the balance of diced onions, mustard, ketchup, gherkin. It is a science. Perfection. I don't think I've had a better burger

39. I can't finish it, I am going to be sick.

40. Nope it's passed. Just a burp. I can eat it.

41. Hello bed. Hello boyfriend. 

42. No boyfriend I am not drunk

43. No I can sleep in my clothes...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So to get those 43 thoughts, and to have a marvellous time at Altitude silent disco, book your tickets here.

It will cost you:

PS. I realise actually it cost us £12 more to have all those drinks than straight Shard tickets, but we were drunk and our Maths was not the best...oh and Pure Imagination in case you want to listen to that now. I definitely do.

Like drinking prosecco with your pals? Then you might like Friend: My favourite London afternoon teas

Lover: Pizza at Story Deli

Wouldn't it be great if there was a place with all the romance and candlelight of Clos Maggiore, the price tag of a good night in Byron (the ones where you get the macaroni cheese and the skin on fries and an oreo cookie milkshake and you add avocado to your burger, say whaaat), the secrecy of Back in 5 minutes, and on top of all this your boyfriend was really up for going there as all it sold was amazing pizza. 

Well folks. There is such a place. And that place is hidden behind what looks like just a fabulous shop selling an electic mix of whitewashed story boxes, lace capes, vintage bicycles and amazing necklaces with massive f-off gems. 

I haven't yet worked out how to buy anything from the shop, although I have begun a shopping list of my most wanted items (all of the things listed above and then some) but I have found the restaurant it hides.

You can't actually buy a car there, or a small upperclass fashions leather shop, the window is just super clean and reflective...

To access Story Deli, you have to walk past the shop following a sign for "pizza", less than a minute down the side of Brick Lane everyone forgets exists, the bit on the other side of Bethnal Green Road. The bizarre and beautiful shop front isn't the only thing to throw you, to access Story you have to knock and then one of the two waiters come and let's you in. 

One step over the threshold and you are transported from the loud, mucky and bustly Brick Lane into a little skylit room, where everything from the walls to the tables to the chairs is white and candles flicker on tables, shelves and in nooks throughout the restaurant.

So secretive, yet so inviting. 

The seating is designed in rows of tables, but this is certainly no Wagamamas, and when I've visited it has never been so busy that you can barely slice your pizza without starting an elbow wars with the person next to you, and I think this is how Story wants it to be.

The menu is "just" pizza. Pizza with the thinnest and crispiest bases, the freshest and most inventive toppings, the creamiest of cheeses. Dare I say perhaps the best pizza I've had in London?

At 17 quid a pop, some would say it better be the best in London. The pizza at Story is not cheap and they are too thin to really be a sharing pizza, unless your appetite is signifcantly smaller than mine, but even if it is - do not share this pizza!

I ordered the Charlie Jones: tomato passata, roasted red peppers, spicy 
sausage, taleggio, parmesan, toasted spices, garlic, crushed birds eye chillies & 
sweet chilli sauce. Amazing.

YUM.

Will ordered the  Dora Romero: chorizo, smashed tomatoes, tomato passata, fresh red onion, 
buffalo mozzarella, mascarpone, roasted rosemary oil & basil pesto. His was pretty amazing too.

To check out all their menu and for more about them, go here.

Wine comes in just red or white, but it is not one of those places which has a limited wine list because they don't believe in good ones. We had the red and it was delicious. Wine costs £30 for a bottle or £6 for an 125ml glass, so obviously we got the bottle. We couldn't finish it as we had already wet our whistles at 5cc, the speakeasy esq cocktail club underneath the Well and Bucket, but they gave us a great little stopper I still use and makes me feel a lot better about spending so much money on red wine and pizza.

Story Deli is open every day and doesn't take bookings so just head there now! I went for dinner and I'd recommend that as it was so romantically candle-lit but I reckon it would be lovely and light and airy at lunch.

It will cost you:

Last minute edit - I was walking past today, and they have actually made the front shop bit something you can buy stuff from! But the bicylcle and the lace cape have gone, and the f-off gems are maybe too f-offish up close and personal, unless you are a braver dresser than me...

Another last minute edit - The shop is now turning into some sort of office with a massive painting of nipples instead of curtains.

A final edit as I cannot be bothered to do another one: The bike and lace cap are back! And it looks like a shop, but is not one again. Oh Shoreditch and your ever changing ways.

Copyright of the top photos: I got too drunk on peach and ginger sours at 5cc (yum) first, so my photography skills that night were limited to the dark blurry picture of my pizza further down the post... I nicked this one from hyhoi.com on google images.

Loner: Go swimming in a pond

Oh gees. I have just successfully made my first GIF after half an hour of screenshots and cropping photos and now I am too distracted by it to write this post as I am basking in the feeling of being a social media and computer whizz. Trying to mindmap what GIF based list I could possibly publish on buzzfeed right now.

The GIF I made (sorry, just gotta talk about it) is of Shirley Jones - of Rodger's and Hammerstein, Brady Bunch and more recently Day's of Our Lives fame - taking a dip in Oklahoma!, the musical about a brand new state (gonna treat you greeaaaatt!) where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain, and the wavin wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the raaaaain. Oh yes, did I mention I love musicals? Especially Rodger's and Hammerstein ones, and especially Oklahoma! When I was little I used to watch it on my days off sick and I would get so enthused by the singing and dancing and cowboys (but not the weird half an hour ballet bit in the middle, always fast forwarded through that) I'd think I was better and go into school in the afternoon, just to be sent home ill again 20 minutes later. What a sweet little story, which is completely irrelevant to this post.

Anyhoo, Oklahoma!, as always is getting me carried away, sorry. This post (but perhaps one later, yes?) is not about Oklahoma! or indeed musicals. I've just come back from a run, and you know what, depsite it being half way through September, despite there being brown leaves on the ground, and despite me wearing my cellulite revealing, camel-toe-creating, generally unflattering and genuinely teeny tiny cycling shorts instead of my slimming, toning, pert-arse-making lulu lemon leggings in an attempt to get more breeze on my thighs, I am still bloody hot. 

According to BBC weather, we've still got a couple of weeks at least left of summer! Woohoo! So it is our last opportunity to make like we are in the deep south of the USA and go for a nice outdoor swim in some lovely natural ponds, as jumping in a nice cool pond right now would definitely be better than dragging my lycra-d arse round Victoria Park. Wouldn't it be nice if we lived out in the countryside of Oklahoma at the beginning of the twentieth century where there were beautiful clean ponds galore, rather than in smelly, polluted cloggy London where we would be best advised to have half a dozen immunisations before dipping our naked toe in a puddle?

But hold on, for just a half an hour a walk from a zone 2 tube station, in the most south-American-state-at-the -beginning-of-the-twentieth-century bit of London - Hampstead Heath - there are actually ponds that you can swim in, no extra vaccinations on top of your standard ones required!

On the Highgate corner of Hampstead Heath there are 3 ponds: the men's bathing pond (frequented mainly by gay men apparently), the mixed bathing pond (frequented mainly by straight men apparently) and the ladies' bathing pond - frequented by me, and women of all ages, life purposes, sizes and sexualities. Obvs you can go in the mixed bathing pond, but I like the ladies one best because it has the cleanest water they say (it is the nearest to the freshwater spring, and the others basically just have water that had flown down from the ladies) plus the meadows and trees that surround it (they were planted to keep the perverts away in Victorian times) make it feel even more secluded, and even more like you are not really in North London. If you ignore the adidas sporting lifeguards, you could well be in Oklahoma in 1905 for all you knew. 

The first time I went was with my friends, and it is definitely a lovely place to go sunbathing with the girls, enjoy an M&S picnic, and a few cans of G&T with a magazine on a lazy Sunday or a summer's evening after work (it closes as late as 8:45pm in the summer months) but for a real moment of mindfulness and peace, and to really appreciate the beauty, tranquility and magic of the ponds, it makes a lovely trip to go on all by yourself.

Unfortunately, unlike Oklahoma in 1905 it would be frowned upon for you to jump in the pond naked and use it to wash yourself. Actually maybe more than frowned upon. However, everyone there are ladies (as the name may suggest) so whenever I go alone, I use it as an opportunity to tan my very white boobs, which is quite the norm there. It is like a little slice of a beach in Corsica, France on a meadow in Highgate, London. 

Because of the ladies only thing, I haven't got many snaps to share with you, as they don't really allow that in case you are a pevert. Or in case you are going to write a blog and post people's swimming pictures all over the internet without their permission. Fair enuf. But here is one I found online, and a couple of ones sneakily taken, as they are only of my friends and I make them allow me to put their photos up on my blog for anyone on the internet to see. Sorry guys.

Important: Be safe!

There is no point in the Ladies Bathing Pond where you can touch the bottom, which makes it excellent for jumping in, and a great workout as you are treading water the whole time, but don't go in unless you are a strong swimmer. Although there are lifeguards, the pond is huge and it is often really empty so don't bank on anyone else to help you swim, only go in if you are absolutely fine swimming by yourself.

Also, even in summer, the ponds can be a little bit of a shock with the cold at first (though your body soon get used to it and then they truly are lovely) so don't just jump in straight away, as tempting as it may be after you have got yourself very sweaty with a walk up the hill to Hampstead Heath and a rush hour trip on the Northern Line. You don't want to give your body too much of a shock. And definitely don't go in for the first time if you are reading this in November. It takes quite a while of swimming in the ponds every day until you can become one of these amazing women, taking the Kenwood Ladies New Year's day dip:

(Copyright Kenwood Ladies Bathing)

So for a cool dip outside without the chlorine and crowds of a lido, head on down to Hampstead Heath bathing ponds today (unless it is a winter month, and then please re-read my warning)...and the best bit - it costs hardly anything, so you can treat yourself to something in Topshop on your way home. Who said that?

Waaa, when writing this post I came across this petition to stop building some damn dams (couldn't help myself) which could be a threat to the ponds. Sign the petition here pleeeeease.