For my friend Siobhan's birthday last year, we took her to Kew Little Pigs and I had a bit of a revelation. Google "buy a micro pig" (totally haven't done that a 148 times before according to my browser history) and you'll probably see something like the following array of adorable piglets:
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| Adorable |
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| ADORABLE |
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ADORABLE!!!
The man holding the piglet to his nose like a new born baby/ a Big Mac is a bit weird, but you get the gist. Tiny tiny adorable piglets. Yes. Of course google imaging micro pigs, also brings up pictures of fools who have accidentally bought a humongous standard pig instead of the micro version, and now have their whole sofa taken up by a farting mammal growing fatter by the day (not their boyfriend or husband.) But as it turns out, they are not the fools, the person who coined the term "micro pigs" for this specimen are:
No wonder the man in the diagram looks perplexed. There is nothing micro about a pig as tall and fatter than a labrador. The piglets we visited last year for Siobhan's bday were not labrador sized, but they certainly were not quite the pig in my pocket I had hoped for, and basically the day was less us playing around putting piglets in tiny wellies, or teacups and just more taking Shiv back to the day when she was a "young farmer" (apparently that is a thing). Turns out micro pigs are not micro, and maybe I shouldn't buy one for my one bedroom London flat with no garden.
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So this year Lucy and I wanted to get her something less weird, that wouldn't result in people posting comments on our facebook pages asking if we had slaughtered a pig. (For the record we hadn't. He has just closed his eyes because he was enjoying the bliss of having his hair stroked, so there.)
So we took her to the silent disco at Altitude. We'd originally hoped to go to the Silent disco at the View from the Shard, but we were slow coaches deciding dates and then it all sold out. Sad face. (However it is now available again, as they've added more dates - go here). Alititude is basically a poor man's Shard silent disco - £14.50 per person (with Time Out's offer here) instead of £37.50 for the silent disco at the Shard. However, with the £23 we'd saved per person to be only 29 floors up instead of 69, we had enough for 2 bottles of prosecco, 6 tequila shots, 3 pints of beer and an uber both ways. Excellent. And so Shiv's birthday present once again resulted in me having a revelation. Well I say revelation, but really it is something I probably learnt when I shotted tequila at my friend Beth's birthday in 2011 and ended up being sick out of my mouth and my nose. Predrinks of rum and coke + 2 bottles of prosecco + 6 tequila shots +3 pints divided by 3 girls = 2 people being sick the next day and 1 bout of hungover cystitis and 3 girls spending their Saturdays in bed. But it was bloody worth it.
I was going to try and describe the bar and venue, but it was getting boring, so I have "summarised" my 43 most notable thoughts of the night, which you would definitely have if you went to the Silent Disco at Altitude. Definitely the exact same ones. And I've added some pictures.
1. Oooo this is is lovely being in this part of town at night. Look at Big Ben! And the London Eye. Oh gawsh I live in such a wonderful city. Why don't I come to proper central London more often?
2. Is it here? In this weird 80s office block? I can not imagine people walking in here without a briefcase and a "car phone" and it being 1986.
3. This is swish. Well not the Shard swish, but y'know, that security guard properly thoroughly checked my handbag, that's how you know you are in a nice place. (Or I guess it could be a very un-nice place where drug use was frequent and they had to check thoroughly, but I think this one is the first kind).
4. Shit floor 29. I hope this lift does not get stuck. When did I last go to the loo?
5. Probs shouldn't have bought my friend who is scared of lifts, basically a trip up a long lift for her bday. (Ok so you are unlikely to have that specific thought).
6. It's only 10pm now now? I can't dance til 2am in a silent disco if it is only 10, I am not 21 anymore. 4 hours of dancing is too long on my feet...even though I am wearing flats...let's go to the bar first
7. This bar is eerily empty (Skyloft, the bar under Altitude is only really used for special events, it is not the kind of place you would casually go to on a Tuesday for pornstar martinis, but that does mean you get a seat by the window so that is nice)
8. Prosecco is £30 you say? That is not that bad, we can treat ourselves to 1 bottle
9. Oooooo view
10. Let's instagram this shizzle
11. Aaarg either I use flash and my friends are lit up people in front of some window which is reflecting me taking a photo, or I don't use it and my friends could be anyone or anything, just some dark blur in front of a beautiful view of a London skyline
12. Damn you instagram and your square photo format! Now I have to choose whether I want to have Big Ben or the Shard in my photo!
13. Prosecco is £30 you say? A second bottle please
14. Oh my goodness it is midnight?? But we only just got here! Better go to the night we actually paid for and stop just drinking prosecco in this bar
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| If you squint you can just see Westminster and Big Ben in the middle, and the London eye behind Lucy's head. Expert photo taker. |
15. It is very sweaty and steamy in here, so you can't see the view
16. But I don't care because they are playing Man in the Mirror
17. Hey! Listen to the red channel too, they are playing Man in the Mirror
18. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the....chaaaaange. Nananaaaa nananaaaa na na na na naa.
19. Yes tequila shots! Great plan!
20. This is so good that these headphones light up so I know that we are both listening to the same thing, why do not all silent discos have this? (This really is a great pro. Really. I think I have previously underestimated how much fun gets sucked out of a silent disco by all the energy spent trying to act out that you are listening to Amy Winehouse's version of Valerie and they should switch over)
21. I need a beer to wet my whistle after that tequila shot, otherwise I am worried I will be sick.
22. This is weird they are playing Pure Imagination from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, but I like it. I want to dance like I am in a ballet.
23. Peculiar that ballet dancing feels more acceptable in a silent disco, where only 1/3 of the people are listening to the same song as you, so you probably look even more odd than if you were ballet dancing in a club
24. Tequila shots again? Really?
25. This floor is very slippy
26. Oh crap my friend is very drunk
27. Oh crap my friend has slipped and fallen on the floor
28. Oh crap I am on the floor
29. Let's instagram this shizzle! We will get so many likes tomorrow when people have seen we have fallen on the floor!! In light up headphones!!
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| On da floor. |
30. Blink 182!! SAY IT AIN'T SO I WILL NOT GO TURN THE LIGHTS OFF CARRY ME HOME
31. NANANANANANA NA NA NA NA NANANANANANA NA NA NA NA. Music was so much better in 1999, what has happened to the pop rock genre now huh?
32. Is Justin Bieber technically under the umbrella of pop-rock? Is Justin Bieber the new Blink 182?
33. No.
34. It is 1:30am you say? Let's book an uber, I can't be in here when the lights turn on, I am sweating like a pig on pig tablets.
35. Hello McDonalds
36. Feck it. I am going to have a hamburger and chicken nuggets and mozzarella dippers #bignight
37. Do I really think in #s now? Oh I am a sheep of social media
38. How do they make this hamburger sauce so incredible - the balance of diced onions, mustard, ketchup, gherkin. It is a science. Perfection. I don't think I've had a better burger
39. I can't finish it, I am going to be sick.
40. Nope it's passed. Just a burp. I can eat it.
41. Hello bed. Hello boyfriend.
42. No boyfriend I am not drunk
43. No I can sleep in my clothes...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So to get those 43 thoughts, and to have a marvellous time at Altitude silent disco, book your tickets here.
It will cost you:
PS. I realise actually it cost us £12 more to have all those drinks than straight Shard tickets, but we were drunk and our Maths was not the best...oh and Pure Imagination in case you want to listen to that now. I definitely do.
Like drinking prosecco with your pals? Then you might like Friend: My favourite London afternoon teas
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